hmm i hope this doesn't become a habit. cuz 830-530 days do not run well on 6 hrs of sleep.
ever wake up in the middle of the night/very early in the morning and feel like you're the only person in the world?
maybe it's because i've mostly been living on my own for the past one and a half years at school, which is pretty much as far out in vancouver as anyone can go? maybe it's because there are always people in my dreams, but i when i wake up, i wake up alone.
sometimes i wonder if anyone else out there feels the same things as i do? or maybe i'm alone in that too..
this isn't supposed to be an 'emo blog' (as my bf would call it). i actually feel better now that i ate a banana and am blogging. amazing how much more connected to the world technology can make you feel..well, technology and bananas.
.....
what an interesting moment we shared today. feeling like you are going to lose something one minute and then understanding it can never be lost the next is definitely indescribable.
i never knew someone could love me so much.
me, a chubby forth grader who sucked ketchup from its packets, a rebellious teenager who once tried to run away but was too scared to go with it at the end of her block, an adolescent who totaled her car in the summer she got her license and never drove since, a young woman who didn't know what she wanted in life and ventured out, only to have her heart broken..
you love me for all of that and more (of course, maybe you didn't know some of those things and now may have changed your mind ;) ).
i wouldn't dream of leaving you. you've taught me so much just by being who you are and made me realize people are lying when they say "some things are too good to be true". you've taught me how great love can be, and as a result of comparison how much greater and intangible God's love must be. most of all, you made me realize what i never knew.
i never knew i could love someone this much.
Monday, January 25, 2010
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
b + for effort
i've never put my full effort into anything. it's not like i half-ass everything, i just haven't ever put 100% into something (that is, if 100 % is even possible).
however, i always seem to come out on top and things turn out okay. actually, they turn out to be pretty darn good.
family.
family is one of those things my kidnapping adventures might be telling me to appreciate more. my family has managed to stay intact after years of ups and way-downs...major side-taking fights...teenage rebellion...diseases...emergency situations...financial issues...you name it, we've had it!
i haven't helped around the house in awhile. i haven't told my parents or sibling that i've loved them in a long time. heck, i haven't even been home that much the past few months.
yet, my mom still tells me she misses me when i'm gone and leaves goodies on my desk for when i do return. my dad makes plans to pick me up from the bus station ahead of time when i come back into town. my brother still manages small talk with his 'uncool older sister'.
certainly need to put in more effort for my never-failing support system.
school.
it's been smooth sailin' from K-12 to BA to B.Ed. no delays, no rejections, no nothing. might be hard to believe but certainly not my best efforts. up to my B.Ed, i've been a huge procrastinator. how i have come this far, i don't think i will ever know.
now, my B.Ed is a different story. i would say so far, my levels of effort have been in the 70%s, even the 80%s! evident from the levels of stress and lack of sleep. however, sometimes when i'm teaching i feel like i'm not doing much. i'm just going with the flow, improvising here and sticking in things i remember there. what i think was an okay lesson, my faculty advisor says: "You are a natural teacher! That was an excellent lesson! Definitely pass."
huh.
it sounds like bragging but it's not really a great feeling when you get something amazing that doesn't quite match how much you've tried. it almost feels like cheating. i guess i'll need to figure out the amount of enthusiasm and effort to live up to that 'something amazing', since i'll be doing this for the rest of my life.
but for now, i'll take it. thanks :P
relationships.
goodness. where do i begin? one long relationship i did not handle very well in the later stages turned out to be one of my oldest, and thankfully ongoing, friendships.
one short relationship opened my mind to the various definitions of 'relationship' and the variety of people out there in this big complicated world we live in. (un)fortunately, this one ended in heartbreak, but still a fairly decent friendship.
brackets because if it wasn't for this experience, i wouldn't end up with the greatest guy out there who was under my nose the whole time :) sorry ladies!
needless to say (since this is the point of my blog, rmbr?) i didn't work for it. i don't think i deserve such a wonderful person in my life but here we are :)
definitely another area i shall try to put in the (im)possible 100%.
undiscovered genius or just plain lucky?
my theory is that someone up there gives a crap about me enough to place things the way they are at the moment, regardless of how much or little effort i've put in. that someone is God by the way.
whether you think you've put enough effort in it or not, think you deserve it or not, take the time today to count your blessings...one by one by one by one.
however, i always seem to come out on top and things turn out okay. actually, they turn out to be pretty darn good.
family.
family is one of those things my kidnapping adventures might be telling me to appreciate more. my family has managed to stay intact after years of ups and way-downs...major side-taking fights...teenage rebellion...diseases...emergency situations...financial issues...you name it, we've had it!
i haven't helped around the house in awhile. i haven't told my parents or sibling that i've loved them in a long time. heck, i haven't even been home that much the past few months.
yet, my mom still tells me she misses me when i'm gone and leaves goodies on my desk for when i do return. my dad makes plans to pick me up from the bus station ahead of time when i come back into town. my brother still manages small talk with his 'uncool older sister'.
certainly need to put in more effort for my never-failing support system.
school.
it's been smooth sailin' from K-12 to BA to B.Ed. no delays, no rejections, no nothing. might be hard to believe but certainly not my best efforts. up to my B.Ed, i've been a huge procrastinator. how i have come this far, i don't think i will ever know.
now, my B.Ed is a different story. i would say so far, my levels of effort have been in the 70%s, even the 80%s! evident from the levels of stress and lack of sleep. however, sometimes when i'm teaching i feel like i'm not doing much. i'm just going with the flow, improvising here and sticking in things i remember there. what i think was an okay lesson, my faculty advisor says: "You are a natural teacher! That was an excellent lesson! Definitely pass."
huh.
it sounds like bragging but it's not really a great feeling when you get something amazing that doesn't quite match how much you've tried. it almost feels like cheating. i guess i'll need to figure out the amount of enthusiasm and effort to live up to that 'something amazing', since i'll be doing this for the rest of my life.
but for now, i'll take it. thanks :P
relationships.
goodness. where do i begin? one long relationship i did not handle very well in the later stages turned out to be one of my oldest, and thankfully ongoing, friendships.
one short relationship opened my mind to the various definitions of 'relationship' and the variety of people out there in this big complicated world we live in. (un)fortunately, this one ended in heartbreak, but still a fairly decent friendship.
brackets because if it wasn't for this experience, i wouldn't end up with the greatest guy out there who was under my nose the whole time :) sorry ladies!
needless to say (since this is the point of my blog, rmbr?) i didn't work for it. i don't think i deserve such a wonderful person in my life but here we are :)
definitely another area i shall try to put in the (im)possible 100%.
undiscovered genius or just plain lucky?
my theory is that someone up there gives a crap about me enough to place things the way they are at the moment, regardless of how much or little effort i've put in. that someone is God by the way.
whether you think you've put enough effort in it or not, think you deserve it or not, take the time today to count your blessings...one by one by one by one.
Monday, January 18, 2010
4 a. m thoughts
i'm having weird dreams.
# 1 last night, i dreamed some guy kidnapped my friends and held them hostage somewhere then subsequently took me into his car to go save them. he had a huge scary gun in his right pants pocket while i remember the dream me had secretly stashed a gun loaded with gumballs in my sweater.
#2 just now, i woke up at 4 a.m from a dream of being at my practicum school yard and watching a squirrel chase a ball and a chicken chase the squirrel.
attempt to decipher:
#1 maybe my kidnapper is telling me to cherish my friends more. maybe mr. big-gun-in-his-right-pants-pocket is telling me it's dangerous to be so immersed in my own stuff that i don't spend time with those i love. maybe my own killer-gumball weapon is telling me i'm being childish in thinking that i can use my own wits to save myself.
#2 perhaps i am destined to stand in a school yard and watch kids run around like silly animals for the rest of my life (i don't mind :) ). perhaps the ball and the squirrel and the chicken are a metaphor for my own running-around-in-circles-routine, they're telling me it's ridiculous that i've found such a good thing but am falling into the rut again.
maybe i'm just crazy. and need more sleep.
# 1 last night, i dreamed some guy kidnapped my friends and held them hostage somewhere then subsequently took me into his car to go save them. he had a huge scary gun in his right pants pocket while i remember the dream me had secretly stashed a gun loaded with gumballs in my sweater.
#2 just now, i woke up at 4 a.m from a dream of being at my practicum school yard and watching a squirrel chase a ball and a chicken chase the squirrel.
attempt to decipher:
#1 maybe my kidnapper is telling me to cherish my friends more. maybe mr. big-gun-in-his-right-pants-pocket is telling me it's dangerous to be so immersed in my own stuff that i don't spend time with those i love. maybe my own killer-gumball weapon is telling me i'm being childish in thinking that i can use my own wits to save myself.
#2 perhaps i am destined to stand in a school yard and watch kids run around like silly animals for the rest of my life (i don't mind :) ). perhaps the ball and the squirrel and the chicken are a metaphor for my own running-around-in-circles-routine, they're telling me it's ridiculous that i've found such a good thing but am falling into the rut again.
maybe i'm just crazy. and need more sleep.
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